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Thursday, October 30, 2003

I hate myself. I hate myself for letting people who really love me down. I hate myself for being weak.

I suddenly feel like I've given up hope. I'm seriously not the girl I used to be. The carefree, happy and confident Ingrid is gone. The one who will get up on her feet when she falls. The one that cries, but will wipe away the tears and continue life bravely. Where is she?

And who am I now?

I don't know. I feel so hollow. I look at my reflection in the mirror, I still look the same, but I don't feel like myself anymore. I look around, see nothing but a vast space of darkness. I'm all alone, isolated, alienated. No one except my soul can reach me.

I know, I should start all over again. People fall and get hurt, but the wound will heal, and you'll be more careful the next time. But I don't have the will or determination to start all over again now. I feel so... dead. Maybe because it's too late. I've wasted my life, and there's no one else to blame except myself.

God, I feel so terrible. I don't know what to say.

2:42:00 AM

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

It's a beautiful day, not too sunny and not too dark. The clouds are fluffy and the birds are singing the nicest songs. I bet everyone's in a good mood today...

I can't sleep. As usual.

Isn't it funny when you wake up from a nightmare and got so frightened that you just can't stop thinking about it? But in the process of the nightmare, you don't feel so afraid.

I feel so... different. This is scary.

8:44:00 AM

Monday, October 27, 2003

I don't feel anything.

Numb. Frozen. Dead.

Nothing but just a white blank space.

3:28:00 AM

Saturday, October 25, 2003

I miss him... The whole world, especially my bleeding heart feels achingly empty without him...

3:55:00 AM

Thursday, October 23, 2003

I'm bored to death!!! An old friend just called and asked me out. To a club or something. But I'm just not in the mood. In fact, I'm not in the mood to do anything these few days. Well, except shopping.

I'm hungry, but I've got no appetite. I'm tired, but I can't get to sleep. I'm bored, but I don't feel like doing anything. I'm heartbroken, but the tears won't fall. Tell me, am I simply crazy or something? I think I am...

Okay, I think I'll just go mope around again. What an interesting to do...

I don't understand why, something in me is just like a magnet pulling me back to him. Or maybe he've put a spell on me so that I could love him like a fool for the rest of my life. Whichever it is, it's awful.

8:37:00 PM

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Life sucks pretty much now, but what can I do? This is life.

I went shopping again, bought a pink choker and a black top. At the rate I'm going, I'll go bankrupt soon. But heck! Shopping does makes me feel better! Oh, and I saw the prettiest pair of pink maryjanes, I'm going back to buy it on Friday.

Looking back, I lead such a tiny and pathetic life I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes, giving up is so much easier than holding and fighting on. But am I going to give up? I don't think so... I have to be strong... right? *big sigh*

"Her heart was broken. The jagged shards of it stabbed at her soul until each hour, each moment of what her life had become, was a misery."

Can I ever be happy again? I miss myself, I miss the old Ingrid...

6:09:00 AM

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Today is the day.

The day when I finally find the courage to leave and never look back.

The time for me to start loving myself again.

The day when he can't hurt me anymore.

The time for me to be alone and lonely.

The day when I can slowly find myself back.

12:00:00 AM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.