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Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Evanescene - Understanding (Wash It All Away)

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memories. But the imprint is always there."

the pain that grips you
the fear that binds you
releases life in me
in our mutual shame
we hide our eyes
to blind them from the truth
that finds a way from who we are

please don't be afraid
when the darkness fades away
the dawn will break the silence
screaming in our hearts
my love for you still grows
this i do for you
before i try to fight the truth my final time

"We're supposed to try to be real. And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."

can't wash it all away
can't wish it all away
can't cry it all away
can't scratch it all away

lying beside you
listening to you breathe
the life that flows inside of you
burns inside of me
hold and speak to me
of love without a sound
tell me you will live through this
and i will die for you
cast me not away
say you'll be with me
for i know i cannot
bear it all alone

"You're not alone, honey."
"Never... Never."

can't fight it all away
can't hope it all away
can't scream it all away
it just won't fade away

can't wash it all away
can't wish it all away
can't cry it all away
can't scratch it all away

can't fight it all away
can't hope it all away
can't scream it all away

"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"God please don't hate me."
"Because I'll die if you do."

3:16:00 AM

Dreamz FM - Should I Stay

had a drive
driven by your love
but when you messed around
i lost the drive i found

thought you needed
needed someone true
but you changed your mind
or had i failed you

wish you'd been
careful with my heart
but you tore it apart
and broke an angel's heart

the kiss was true
has to end somehow
but i am livin' proof of what love is about

it's hard holding you
loving you
osing you
it's sad to be true
and be fooled by you
i don't know
i don't know
i gotta know
should i stay or should i go

you played me on
played me like a clown
but i feel for you
even though i'm down

my heart is heavy
heavy like a rock
but i am so amused
you're still in my thoughts

it's hard holding you
loving you
losing you
it's sad to be true
and be fooled by you
i don't know
i don't know
i gotta know
should i stay or should i go

this time it's done
it'll never feel the same
but we had some good times
guess it's sad just the same

i guess the truth
doesn't matter somehow
but you were livin' proof of what love is about

2:51:00 AM

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Evanescence - Taking Over Me

you don't remember me but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream
and dream i do

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you
to live to breathe
you're taking over me

have you forgotten all i know and all we had
you saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
i knew you loved me then

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you
to live to breathe
you're taking over me

i look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
so many things inside that are
just like you are taking over

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you
to live to breathe
you're taking over me

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you
to live to breathe
you're taking over me

5:27:00 PM

Friday, December 26, 2003

I got myself drunk once again last night. I knew I will be when I took the last shot. But still I gulped it down. I saw a mutual friend of his last night, brought back all the memories, all the pain. The image of a face I once so very much loved flashed in my mind, washing over me, flooding me. And I felt my heart breaking once again. It was so intense, so sudden I'd been dizzy from them. Slamming into me, leaving me weak and shattered. I gave up, I just wanted to be lost, to let myself free of all the emotions I was feeling inside all along. I smiled and took the shot.

I'm ashamed to say this, but it really feels so good to be lost, to be free, to feel not like me.

It was a good cry, really. Clears me of all the grief I've been harbouring inside my crushed heart for so long. I cried, because I loved him so much. Cried because I missed him so much. Cried because I hated myself so much. Cried because I needed to dissolve that stone in my heart. Cried because I wanted to feel normal. Two months, and I cried only twice. Tears always threatened to fall, but in the end, it doesn't. The tears that didn't fall became a permanent ache in my heart. And that is what makes me different. Right, I'm a smiling girl in pink. But what's behind that smile? And what is a smile when your heart is dead? Did anyone saw the tears behind my eyes when I'm smiling?

After the water works, something heavy inside me felt lifted up, yet at the same time, I feel as though the weight never left. The tears that cleared some grief were also the same tears that pushed me to reality that I'm hurting. All these complications and confusions I'm experiencing is making me crazy.

I'm just so sick, so fucking sick of everything that's going on. I'm so sick of keeping everything inside me. I'm sick of laughing and smiling like as if I'm normal when I'm not. I'm sick of telling people "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" when I'm not too. Basically, I'm fucking sick of being me, and I'm seriously fucking sick of life. I hate myself, I don't want to be me.

I've came so far, tried so hard, but I've only succeeded in deceiving myself. Lying to myself. That I'm strong? That I'll live life to the best and fullest? Hell yeah, I pretend, I act, I fool people and myself into thinking that I'm able to do all those. But I can't. I can't when the broken pieces of my heart is still stabbing at my soul. And each stab, reminds me of the pain. And the pain only leads me to darkness.

I may appear the same to everyone, laughing and joking and everything. But all I feel inside is pain. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. We're all beings, but there's a kind of darkness surrounding me, that makes me feel so detached to the real world, to real people. I can't fit in with them anymore. I'm too alienated.

I'm tired, so so tired. Let me fly, fly away and be free.

"The dark is closing in, and I'm alone with my own pain. I could fight it no longer, I could find no purpose for my own life. The dark is constantly whispering me it's lies, licking along my skin. Cold, cold kisses.

You are alone. You are in pain. End the loneliness. End the pain.

5:23:00 PM

Friday, December 19, 2003

I'll be leaving for Malaysia in about an hour's time, will be back on Sunday.

Clara, I've received your mail, but I don't have time to reply you. I need to pack my stuff and such. I'll talk to you again real soon ok? Stay strong and happy sweetie! If you ever need to rant about anything, feel free to mail me. Even though I won't get to read it until Sunday, pouring out your emotions to me (your telepathic pink chick) will make you feel much better too. I'll keep you in my thoughts. *hugs*

Alright, I'll miss everyone and everything here at Singapore when I'm gone. Don't forget this pink bratty girl mkay?

5:03:00 AM

Donna Lewis - Unforgiven

another face another name
stand in line all the same
i've been here so many times
i don't know the reason why
do i want to live to tell
chained inside this living hell
cries of freedom never heard
i guess this is what i deserve

who am i
alone in this world
alone in this world
without love

eyes of sorrow eyes of shame
self destructions so insane
i don't care just let me go
let the veins of scarlet flow

show me a sign
unlock the door
release me i'm yours
into the clouds
higher higher higher

i like to sit and think alone
i like to dream of coming home
maybe now the voices sleep
this time

4:02:00 AM

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Phew, it's done. My new Christmas layout. (I know it looks like shit if you're viewing it with a 1024 x 768 resolution. But this is the best I could do. I suck at html stuff.) Just trying to get myself into the holiday mood, though it don't seem to be really working. I'm still feeling as dead as ever. I might as well be a walking zombie, 'cause that's exactly how I feel like. I smile and I laugh, but who understands how I really feel inside? Well, maybe except Clara. Speaking of you, Clara, mega hugs to you girl.

I wish someday, someone could rescue me from my misery. To make me feel alive once again. It's love, and pain that makes us feel. And the ability to feel, to love and to ache, makes us whole. I really, really want to escape from this misty nightmare, but something inside me is trapping me, pulling me back into the darkhole. Am I damned to be forever this way?

So much thoughts, in the end, it just summed out to something. I'm afraid. And it is the fear that's pulling me back from loving again. Sometimes, when I'm feeling optimistic, I tell myself that time will soon cure me from everything. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that I'm so deeply scarred that nothing in the world could erase the pain or the wound.

I don't know... I really don't know. (That seemed to be my favourite words these 2 months hmm?)

One week more till Christmas. Christmas, the happy holiday season where everyone feels the love and joy that spreads around. Me? I can't seem to feel or visualise anything. It's always the same white fog whenever I close my eyes.

If that's the case, wouldn't it be better if I could close and never open my eyes again?

7:37:00 AM

Monday, December 15, 2003

I just took this quiz:
Why Are You Still Single?

Results:
Ever heard the expression, "Once bitten, twice shy?" You can probably relate to this, can't you? Your last relationship may have left you a little raw in emotions, and the memories are likely still fresh in your mind. Fresher than you can sometimes believe. With a hurt like that, you're probably not so eager to enter the drama again and we can't say that we blame you. You may be so afraid of getting hurt that you take things to heart big-time when you're involved with someone, after all, you've been hurt before, why can't it happen again? You also may be guilty of comparing potential mates to your ex who may still constantly loom large in your mind.

But maybe, just maybe, it's time to check your baggage at the door and let a new person into your life with a clean slate. You have a lot to offer someone, but you can't do it when you have one foot firmly planted in the past.

That's quite true maybe... One thing though, I'm not living in the past. I just can't move on, because I'm afraid. Afraid of trying, afraid of risking, afraid of the hurt and pain that love can bring. But... still, I might also be kinda living in the past too. I don't know. Matters of the heart are confusing. I never seem to know what I really want, or what I'm really thinking.

I can't escape from love forever though. One day, it's gonna hit on me once again, and there'll be nothing I can do about it. I know. I just don't want it to happen now. It's too soon. I still remember how it is like to love, to lose and to hurt. No one can hurt me now. I protect myself and I love myself. It's a much more carefree life.

Sometimes, late at night when it's especially cold and quiet, I'll start feeling terribly lonely again. Yeah, it doesn't feel good to be alone, without someone there to love you unconditionally, without someone there to share your life with. But, if I were to choose between love and loneliness now. I'll choose the latter. Why? Because I'm a coward to try. I can't bring myself to love again. My heart can't accept anyone now. I'm scarred, so deeply scarred. I still can see that ugly slash along with all the memories clearly etched in my heart. And when I think about it, I fear.

I'm scared, very scared. Who can save my soul?

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you will be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."

Wonderful quote isn't it? It's so true, but I don't find the courage in me now. Am I choosing to be "the cautious who do not live at all"?

I close my eyes and see myself, alone, walking in a fog of white mist. I'm lost, and afraid.

6:28:00 AM

Friday, December 12, 2003

assurance is what Pinky wants
assurance is what Brainy can give
how much i love you
is how much i can give you

although giving is not loving
but somehow loving is still giving
giving everything that you want
just because you are the only one

pink is a symbol
a symbol that brings out the inner you
a symbol that draws me closer to you
a symbol that makes me wanna be with you

if one day we are not together
don't feel bad
just say we never had
let things be the way they are
open youself up
and give Brainy a chance
Brainy will never let you down
till the day he falls down

Awwwwwieeee. *cries* I had tears in my eyes when I was reading that. That's like that sweetest thing I've ever read. And it's even sweeter, because I didn't expected it. It's just so sweet because I feel so loved.

But I feel so undeserving at the same time... I don't wish to love again, and naturally, I don't deserved to be loved too.

Confusions. Mixed emotions. It's all rushing through my head now. Am I happy or scared? I don't know, and I don't think I want to know too.

Brainy, I know you'll be looking at this, and I want to let you know that I really do appreciate every single thing you've done for me. I wish that there are more things I could do to repay you. Thank you so much Brainy. *hugs*

I've got so much issues in my mind. Endless questions that could never be answered. Contradicting thoughts that I do not wish to say it out.

What is love actually?

Love is scary. Love is risky.

I'm scared to love. Scared to risk.

Alone. Alone. Alone.

I just want to be a solitary girl living in my own world. A place where I would never be hurt again. In the universe of my own forsaken dreams.

9:00:00 AM

Thursday, December 11, 2003

I've added my past October and November entries from Liquid Stars into my Archives.

Don't ask me why, it's just something I felt like doing suddenly. I know that my main purpose of this blog is to mark this brand new beginning of my life. And that I shouldn't bring up the past. But it is the past that makes us who we are today. Everyone has a past, and I'm not going to escape from mine.

Sometimes, I weird myself out. *lol*

8:07:00 AM

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Things To Buy:
• ~~Beaded Curtains~~
• ~~Curtains~~
• ~~Bed Sheets~~
• Wall Clock
• ~~Paintings~~
• ~~Alarm Clock~~
• ~~Wall Shelf~~
• ~~More Deco Stuff~~

Alrighty, my glorious pink room is almost ready. Wee... Just those stuff above needed and it's all done. It's just that I'm going broke soon, but it's a good cause though. I think I've spent close to $500 on my room and it's not even a month. I didn't even get to shop that often now. *pouts* But looking at my beautiful room makes me feel so much better. What's better than a pinktastic room?

Oh yeah, and I got the necklace and top that I wanted.

Noticed any difference in my blog? I added a background music. How is it? It sounds perfectly fine to me, but my friend commented that it lags. *shrugs* It's one of the soundtrack from Love Actually. Nice show, I quite like it.

4:45:00 AM

Thursday, December 04, 2003

It sucks to be sick. Ugh. Worse to be drunk. Double ugh.

I've been sucking on strawberry lozenges for days but my throat still feels like sawdust. Too many Tequilas last night too, which makes my throat worse that's all. Triple ugh.

I'm going shopping later though. It's the best thing to do when I'm not feeling good. Anyway, there's a to die for necklace at Topshop that's needed to be added to my accessories collection. And a pink top from Ice that I've been drooling forever since my eyes lay upon it last week.

Blah. Just very blah.

3:18:00 PM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.