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Thursday, October 30, 2003

I hate myself. I hate myself for letting people who really love me down. I hate myself for being weak.

I suddenly feel like I've given up hope. I'm seriously not the girl I used to be. The carefree, happy and confident Ingrid is gone. The one who will get up on her feet when she falls. The one that cries, but will wipe away the tears and continue life bravely. Where is she?

And who am I now?

I don't know. I feel so hollow. I look at my reflection in the mirror, I still look the same, but I don't feel like myself anymore. I look around, see nothing but a vast space of darkness. I'm all alone, isolated, alienated. No one except my soul can reach me.

I know, I should start all over again. People fall and get hurt, but the wound will heal, and you'll be more careful the next time. But I don't have the will or determination to start all over again now. I feel so... dead. Maybe because it's too late. I've wasted my life, and there's no one else to blame except myself.

God, I feel so terrible. I don't know what to say.

2:42:00 AM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.