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Friday, December 26, 2003

I got myself drunk once again last night. I knew I will be when I took the last shot. But still I gulped it down. I saw a mutual friend of his last night, brought back all the memories, all the pain. The image of a face I once so very much loved flashed in my mind, washing over me, flooding me. And I felt my heart breaking once again. It was so intense, so sudden I'd been dizzy from them. Slamming into me, leaving me weak and shattered. I gave up, I just wanted to be lost, to let myself free of all the emotions I was feeling inside all along. I smiled and took the shot.

I'm ashamed to say this, but it really feels so good to be lost, to be free, to feel not like me.

It was a good cry, really. Clears me of all the grief I've been harbouring inside my crushed heart for so long. I cried, because I loved him so much. Cried because I missed him so much. Cried because I hated myself so much. Cried because I needed to dissolve that stone in my heart. Cried because I wanted to feel normal. Two months, and I cried only twice. Tears always threatened to fall, but in the end, it doesn't. The tears that didn't fall became a permanent ache in my heart. And that is what makes me different. Right, I'm a smiling girl in pink. But what's behind that smile? And what is a smile when your heart is dead? Did anyone saw the tears behind my eyes when I'm smiling?

After the water works, something heavy inside me felt lifted up, yet at the same time, I feel as though the weight never left. The tears that cleared some grief were also the same tears that pushed me to reality that I'm hurting. All these complications and confusions I'm experiencing is making me crazy.

I'm just so sick, so fucking sick of everything that's going on. I'm so sick of keeping everything inside me. I'm sick of laughing and smiling like as if I'm normal when I'm not. I'm sick of telling people "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" when I'm not too. Basically, I'm fucking sick of being me, and I'm seriously fucking sick of life. I hate myself, I don't want to be me.

I've came so far, tried so hard, but I've only succeeded in deceiving myself. Lying to myself. That I'm strong? That I'll live life to the best and fullest? Hell yeah, I pretend, I act, I fool people and myself into thinking that I'm able to do all those. But I can't. I can't when the broken pieces of my heart is still stabbing at my soul. And each stab, reminds me of the pain. And the pain only leads me to darkness.

I may appear the same to everyone, laughing and joking and everything. But all I feel inside is pain. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. We're all beings, but there's a kind of darkness surrounding me, that makes me feel so detached to the real world, to real people. I can't fit in with them anymore. I'm too alienated.

I'm tired, so so tired. Let me fly, fly away and be free.

"The dark is closing in, and I'm alone with my own pain. I could fight it no longer, I could find no purpose for my own life. The dark is constantly whispering me it's lies, licking along my skin. Cold, cold kisses.

You are alone. You are in pain. End the loneliness. End the pain.

5:23:00 PM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.