br>

br>

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Phew, it's done. My new Christmas layout. (I know it looks like shit if you're viewing it with a 1024 x 768 resolution. But this is the best I could do. I suck at html stuff.) Just trying to get myself into the holiday mood, though it don't seem to be really working. I'm still feeling as dead as ever. I might as well be a walking zombie, 'cause that's exactly how I feel like. I smile and I laugh, but who understands how I really feel inside? Well, maybe except Clara. Speaking of you, Clara, mega hugs to you girl.

I wish someday, someone could rescue me from my misery. To make me feel alive once again. It's love, and pain that makes us feel. And the ability to feel, to love and to ache, makes us whole. I really, really want to escape from this misty nightmare, but something inside me is trapping me, pulling me back into the darkhole. Am I damned to be forever this way?

So much thoughts, in the end, it just summed out to something. I'm afraid. And it is the fear that's pulling me back from loving again. Sometimes, when I'm feeling optimistic, I tell myself that time will soon cure me from everything. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that I'm so deeply scarred that nothing in the world could erase the pain or the wound.

I don't know... I really don't know. (That seemed to be my favourite words these 2 months hmm?)

One week more till Christmas. Christmas, the happy holiday season where everyone feels the love and joy that spreads around. Me? I can't seem to feel or visualise anything. It's always the same white fog whenever I close my eyes.

If that's the case, wouldn't it be better if I could close and never open my eyes again?

7:37:00 AM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.