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Wednesday, January 21, 2004

I'll believe you, only because I love you.

That's all I wanna say.

5:06:00 PM

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

My premonition came true. Maybe I'm psychic.

Baby, I forgot that not just your floors are brown. Your walls are brown too. I just didn't mention to you that I suddenly remembered.

Luckily I'm smarter this time round.

Smarter to know that he's lying.

Smarter to be not so blinded by love.

Love can be such a lie. I would have laughed out loud if things were not so ironic. Would have laughed if my heart wasn't aching.

Haha. I could only laugh at myself now. Really.

So tell me, why am I still sad when I knew it all along that it was a lie? Maybe deep down, a small part of me still believed you? I don't know. It doesn't matter now. 'Cause I know, I know everything.

I honestly wished he was the one who told me the truth. I'd rather he hurt me with the turth, than hurt me with a lie.

Anyway I love him too much to blame him. I love him too much that I'm able to forgive and forget everything. I love him too much that I'm able to accept all that he is.

I understand that it's the past. But still, it hurts so hard and bad to know that you've lied. The fact of the lie doesn't hit me that deep actually.

Relationship is all about love and trust.

Unconditional love.

Open trust.

I know, maybe he chose to lie in order not to hurt me. But that's not what I want. He knew it all along, all I want is the truth. There's no reason that I would stop loving him for what he'd done when we're not together. But lying to me now, when we're together, is a different story.

I love him. With all my heart. That's all I can say.

So why?

Am I damned forever, just because I love him?

There's no use pretending that nothing happened. If I choose to do so, there will always be a gap between us. Something unexplainable that pulls us away from each other.

God, I don't know what to do. I really don't.

Teach me baby, or tell me, what am I to do? When you've broken that thin vase of trust? Even my love won't be able to mend the broken cracks.

I gave you so many chances to tell me. I wanted to hear it from your mouth, your heart. But you chose to lie instead. Why?

Baby, my love itself is not enough to withstand everything. I've went through so much, too much, just for you. Are you testing me? Testing my sanity?

Tell me baby, tell me the truth, hurt me with the truth. Don't lie to me again. If your love for me is true, you can always hug me and kiss away my tears. I just want to hear it from you. Is that so much that I'm asking for?

So much words and so many thoughts that I never asked in his face. Even if I did, would he answer me?

I wished I could tell him how I'm feeling. I wished he could listen and understand. I wished I could have a real conversation with him.

I'm choking inside.

There's no one to turn to.

Alone, I'm still alone.

And at times like this, I seriously wished that I was dead.

At least I could just stop feeling.

4:39:00 PM

She walked into the room. It was dark and cold. Just like how she was feeling inside.

Her love was curled up into sleep. He was sleeping so peacefully that she didn't bear to wake him up. Her heart ached with love and pain. She looked at him for a long time, debating to tell him or not.

She was trembling, but he wouldn't know. He never knew anything.

She lay down beside him and watched him sleep. She felt her love for him so strong so aching. Her emotions were playing with her.

Bending down, she kissed him softly on the lips.

Whispering into his lips, "Baby, you lied to me."

That's all she said. She would rather allow herself to hurt, then to wake him up from his slumber.

She looked at his beautiful face. Her eyes were dry, but she felt the flowing tears in her heart. They were flooding her, drowning her.

He stirred in his sleep. Muffled something inaudible. But no words came out from his mouth.

And so, she got up and left the room.

4:14:00 PM

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

So many questions that I want to ask you baby. But I know I would never ask, and you would never say. I wonder if this is a brand new start for us, or just a replica of the past. I'm so confused and scared. You gave me love, hugs and kisses. But I just can't seemed to get the assurance and security that I need from all those.

I know you've tried baby. I do appreciate your change in attitude towards me. Maybe I'm just sensitive. Maybe I love you so much and too much. Please don't blame me for my mood swings, I really can't help feeling this way.

But still, thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you baby.

PS: Hmm, did I just contradicted myself?

9:52:00 AM

Tried to sleep. Didn't manage though.

I closed my eyes, and I saw you and me at Sultan. You flashed out your wallet and I caught a glimpse of the picture. You and her. My whole world collasped. But all I said was "Oh" and I smiled at you. You explained to me that your friends put that picture into your wallet and that she isn't your girlfriend. I didn't ask and I don't know why did you bothered to tell me. Your explaination didn't make me feel better, because they're all lies.

You never saw my tears of pain behind my smile. You didn't felt my wrenching heartache.

I remembered how you left me, threw me aside, hurt me so deeply. You had fun with your friends, had fun with her. You forgotten all your promises, forgotten me. The next thing I knew, you wanted me back. Maybe because you knew I loved you so much. You knew that I'll do the best for you and only you. You knew that no matter what, I'm always there for you. But what you didn't know was how I felt for the 73 days when you were not with me. You didn't know how I felt when I was alone on my bed struggling with my emotions, while another girl was sleeping with you.

You never saw my tears of frustration. You didn't felt my anger.

Then I told you I couldn't get to sleep. You held me close to you and stroked my hair. You kissed me and petted me to sleep. The sweetness of your simple actions pinched at my heart. I felt so loved once again. I snuggled closer to you wishing I could stay there forever.

You never saw my tears of joy. You didn't felt my happiness.

That's how contradicting my feelings are. Everyday.

One moment of stabbing pain that leaves me aching, wanting to breakdown and weep, or just let go and die.

Then, suddenly, it's a flash of anger that makes me want to lash out and hit you, scream at you, to make you experience 1/1000 of how I'm feeling.

But before I knew it, you'll be next to me, cajoling me. Hugging me while whispering all the right words into my ears. Making me smile that radiant smile and forget the sadness and anger I felt just a minute ago. I turned and looked into your eyes. I felt nothing but my overpowering love for you. I got lost into you.

Is this normal? Or had I gone crazy? Maybe I need to see a shrink, or get some medications to calm my nerves. Yeah right.

9:48:00 AM

Kelly Clarkson - The Trouble With Love Is

love can be a many splendid thing
can't deny the joy it brings
a dozen roses
diamond rings
dreams for sale
and fairy tales
it'll make you hear a symphony
and you just want the world to see
but like a drug that makes you blind
it'll fool you every time

the trouble with love is
it can tear you up inside
make your heart believe a lie
it's stronger then your pride
the trouble with love is
it doesn't care how fast you fall
and you can't refuse the call
see you've got no say at all

now i was a once a fool it's true
i played the game by all the rules
but now my world's a deeper blue
i'm sadder but i'm wiser too
i swore i'd never love again
i swore my heart would never mend
said love wasn't worth the pain
but then i hear it call my name

every time i turn around
i think i've got it all figured out
my heart keeps calling
and i keep on falling
over and over again
this sad story always ends the same
me standing in the pouring rain
it seems no matter what i do
it tears my heart in two

Love called my name. You called my name.

Can't escape love. Can't escape you.

I fell in love... with you again.

It's you, always you.

3:04:00 AM

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Clara, here's something for you. *huggles*

Des'ree - You Gotta Be

listen as your day unfolds,
challenge what the future holds
try to keep your head up to the sky
lovers they may cause you tears
go ahead release your fears
stand up and be counted
don't be shamed to cry

you gotta be bad
you gotta be bold
you gotta be wiser
you gotta be hard
you gotta be tough
you gotta be stronger
you gotta be cool
you gotta be calm
you gotta stay together
all i know
love will save the day

Keeping you in my thoughts always sweetie.

5:56:00 AM

Yay, my new layout is done. Naturally, it's pink again. What other color could it be? *lol*

Those smilies in my new tagboard are the cutest! I shall start the ball rolling later. I mean the tagboard. *giggles*

That's all for now. Good night!

5:44:00 AM

Monday, January 12, 2004

"Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. It is a fragile thread that binds us together."

Baby, there was once when you gave up on me, on my love, on us. When you decided to let everything go, I tried to do so too, but I failed. Because, somewhere inside my heart, I believed my love for you was still holding on, clinging on to one last hope.

You've walked away so carelessly, leaving me broken and grieving. The feel of tears, the hot flood of them as they gushed out of my shattered heart is something I will always remember. Something which you never knew.

Baby, don't give up on me again.

Don't give up our love, please.

2:09:00 AM

Sunday, January 11, 2004

"Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life."

This reminds me of another quote that Clara shared with me:
"We are products of our past but we are not prisoners of our past."

I feel that humans think too much sometimes. Why worry about the future when you're even unsure of what will happen today? Why live in the past when all you see is darkness and pain?

To live each day as it is, makes life so much easier and happier. Why complicate life and make yourself unhappy?

2:01:00 AM

Friday, January 09, 2004

I've been wondering about how people are thinking of me.

Some will think that I'm silly.

Some will think that I'm naive.

Some will look down on me.

"But I've did what I could, to protect, to respect, taking the joys and the sorrows. Then, in the end, all I could do was to accept my destiny. "

I was born to love you...

1:44:00 AM

Thursday, January 08, 2004

I'm afraid.

I don't know what am I supposed to expect from our new relationship.

You took me into your arms and told me you loved me.

For 2 years of my life, I'd have given and done everything to have you look at me in that way, to hold me in that way, to tell me that you loved me, in just that way.

Now that you had, why would it be so hard?

Why would it make me want to weep?

1:29:00 AM

Monday, January 05, 2004

"What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?"

Just like you're the only who can bring me real pleasure and true pain.

And what is there that I could do?

Nothing.

Why?

Because this is love.

True love.

2:19:00 AM

Thursday, January 01, 2004

First day of 2004. A new year awaits. Does a new life awaits me too?

I remembered a few days back, I was still wondering, "Will 2004 be a good year, or a bad one?"

I didn't have to wonder long though.

I remembered Joycelyn telling me her boyfriend dreamt that I committed suicide. Joey then told me, "Normally when someone dreams that another person died, that person is just going to have a new life."

I laughed and agreed that I'm on my way to a new life.

I remembered at Zouk when I sent you a SMS telling you that I still love you, and you replied, "I hope it's true, because I love you too."

Tears of real happiness threatened to flow.

I remembered lying on your bed trying to fall asleep, but all I could manage was toss and turn around. Because my heart squeezed into a throbbing bruise when I thought of her sleeping on the same bed as you.

I was confused, I didn't knew what to do.

I remembered when you reached over and kissed me on my lips. As soft as loving as the first time we kissed. I felt the world stood still for 2 seconds. My mind dissolved into a blank. I felt nothing but our overwhelming love.

I knew then, I'll be your slave of love again.

I remembered how easy it is for me to forget and give up everything and anything just for you. Even myself, my sanity or even my life.

It's all so crystal clear now.

You're my life once again.

And I love you.

Can't stop loving you.

12:00:00 AM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.