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Tuesday, January 20, 2004

My premonition came true. Maybe I'm psychic.

Baby, I forgot that not just your floors are brown. Your walls are brown too. I just didn't mention to you that I suddenly remembered.

Luckily I'm smarter this time round.

Smarter to know that he's lying.

Smarter to be not so blinded by love.

Love can be such a lie. I would have laughed out loud if things were not so ironic. Would have laughed if my heart wasn't aching.

Haha. I could only laugh at myself now. Really.

So tell me, why am I still sad when I knew it all along that it was a lie? Maybe deep down, a small part of me still believed you? I don't know. It doesn't matter now. 'Cause I know, I know everything.

I honestly wished he was the one who told me the truth. I'd rather he hurt me with the turth, than hurt me with a lie.

Anyway I love him too much to blame him. I love him too much that I'm able to forgive and forget everything. I love him too much that I'm able to accept all that he is.

I understand that it's the past. But still, it hurts so hard and bad to know that you've lied. The fact of the lie doesn't hit me that deep actually.

Relationship is all about love and trust.

Unconditional love.

Open trust.

I know, maybe he chose to lie in order not to hurt me. But that's not what I want. He knew it all along, all I want is the truth. There's no reason that I would stop loving him for what he'd done when we're not together. But lying to me now, when we're together, is a different story.

I love him. With all my heart. That's all I can say.

So why?

Am I damned forever, just because I love him?

There's no use pretending that nothing happened. If I choose to do so, there will always be a gap between us. Something unexplainable that pulls us away from each other.

God, I don't know what to do. I really don't.

Teach me baby, or tell me, what am I to do? When you've broken that thin vase of trust? Even my love won't be able to mend the broken cracks.

I gave you so many chances to tell me. I wanted to hear it from your mouth, your heart. But you chose to lie instead. Why?

Baby, my love itself is not enough to withstand everything. I've went through so much, too much, just for you. Are you testing me? Testing my sanity?

Tell me baby, tell me the truth, hurt me with the truth. Don't lie to me again. If your love for me is true, you can always hug me and kiss away my tears. I just want to hear it from you. Is that so much that I'm asking for?

So much words and so many thoughts that I never asked in his face. Even if I did, would he answer me?

I wished I could tell him how I'm feeling. I wished he could listen and understand. I wished I could have a real conversation with him.

I'm choking inside.

There's no one to turn to.

Alone, I'm still alone.

And at times like this, I seriously wished that I was dead.

At least I could just stop feeling.

4:39:00 PM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.