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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Baby Kievan is: 8 months & 2 days old

Confessions Of A Mommy (Chapter 3)

Jane: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with all the things we don't say to each other. What's that called?

Counsellor: Marriage.

I have so much to say, but those words got lost before I could type them out.

Numb, again.

7:39:00 PM

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Baby Kievan is: 7 months & 4 weeks old

Confessions Of A Mommy

Tuesday, 8 November 2005

My baby, had his first teeth on the 2nd of November. 2 little ones. It's not even a full grown tooth now, but you can see it's white, and feel it's sharpness. I felt that this had to be written down, so that I will always remember it for the many years to come.

It seemed like time just flies by you know. I could still remember vividly how my newborn baby looked like, how he cried while he lay on that little cot beside my bed, the nurses checking for his APGAR score. How I had lain there on the bed which I had endured much pain for many hours, looking at him with tears in my eyes but smiling, while the doctor stiched me up without me feeling any pain, because I had been so amazed by the little bundle of crying baby that I had given birth to. How I had walked so slowly to the ICU to look at my baby the next day, and sat by his incubator-liked cot to just look at him. How I had shed tears there, telling him I was so sorry that I caused him all these discomfort and how I prayed that he would be fine.

I also remember my paranoia over the next 2 weeks. How I woke up in the middle of the night to check on him, to shake him a little to see him move slightly when I felt that he was sleeping too still. Silly of me I know. But I had believed that was what was called "motherhood".

I remember too, how I spent the next few months, bonding with my baby. How he could smile so happily when he was about 2 months plus, his wide toothless smile. How he could turn over onto his stomach himself at 3 months and a day, and me so proud and happy at his development that I called members of my family to tell them. You would have thought that I struck lottery of 5 million dollars or something. But that's exactly how it feels, only that I would rather have my baby being healthy and happy than having 5 million dollars. How I had gushed over my baby to whoever who wanted to hear about him, him being my pride and joy afterall.

Remembering, everyone laughing and calling him "bo gey" whenever we see his wide toothless smile. How I myself had loved so much too look at those toothless gums whenever he smiled or laughed. How he could chew food so well, amazingly without any teeth.

Suddenly, on that memorable day of November 2nd, I felt a strange sensation. That my baby is no longer toothless, we can't call him "bo gey" anymore. His teeth had appeared, and there's no going back. Everything will eventually change then, his 1st step, and slowly slowly, his step to independence. He will never be my toothless baby again, but he will always be the one i'll be loving so much, my pride and joy, my baby.

But, I did spend lots of time enjoying myself with my once toothless baby. And it wouldn't be different now. I will enjoy myself with my 2 teeth-y baby. When he becomes a running and active toddler, I will still be enjoying him, enjoying myself. That is why I had chosen to be a stay-at-home Mommy even though I am still young. I want to be there for him, to be there with him when he encounter his first "everythings". It will mean so much to me to know that I was there whenever he needed me. And I know this is something I will never ever regret.

Confessions Of A Mommy (Chapter 2)

That is today. I had done something terrible and I am going to write it down so that I will be reminded of this day always and not make the same mistake again.

Baby might be teething again, and he is feeling very miserable. I know, from the way he cries and how he could only sleep for 2-3 hours at night, before waking up and crying again. And then he wants to be cuddled and rocked in my arms while walking around the house. I am tired, so very tired. He wakes up 3 times during the night yesterday. I fed him milk, rocked him to sleep, then went to sleep myself. And just when my sleep was starting to get good, he wakes up crying again. And just now, the same thing happened again. He woke up 3 times crying too. I was so overwhelmed with my fatigue that I lost my patience with my little baby and my mother.

I am ashamed to say that, I smacked him on the butt 3 times, over his diaper while crying out "Naughty, naughty, naughty!" when he didn't allow me to sit on the bed and cuddle him, he wanted me to stand up and walk around the house. He howled even harder, and it seemed to me that he was very very hurt by what I had done and said, that he actually reached out his little hands and wanted his grandmother, my mother to carry and soothe him.

My baby, never ever wants anyone else to comfort him when he is in distress.

I had prided myself over the fact that I am the one he wants and thinks of when he isn't well, feeling that all my time and efforts I had put in are paid off because he knew that i'm always the one to comfort and love him. So imagine, how hurt he must be by my behavior that he turned to my mother instead.

But he didn't stop crying in my mother's arm. And while my mother was holding him, she said that baby's diapers are wet, and she wanted to change them. I was irritated, even though I never raised my voice to her at all, my tone was harsh, my words were cruel. I said, "He doesn't want his diapers changed, he's just being difficult. Don't think that whenever baby cries, he's just hungry or soiled. It's more than that." I told her in a manner that suggests she doesn't know much about babis at all so she need not be invovlved.

Then I took baby into my arms and he stopped crying. And the moment he stopped crying, I realised I was feeling guilty. He wanted me afterall. How could I dismiss his pain and discomfort just because I am tired. Fatigue comes together in a package with Motherhood. I knew it that day I became a Mommy. But still, I had allowed myself to get into a rage just because I was tired. And my poor mother! With her goodwill to help out, she was hurt by me too.

In a single night, I had let down both the 2 person I love most in the world. Just because I was tired and didn't care to control my temper. I am a horrible daughter and a horrible mother. I was selfish and I only thought of my own needs. It didn't occurred to me during the moment that my mother was tired too, that she woke up all the 3 times that baby cried and came over to my room to see if I needed help or not, when she still have to go to work later. And my poor little baby, he who is in so much pain, that he couldn't sleep well. And I had smacked him and refused to soothe him. I imagined myself with a terrible toothache, I wouldn't be able to sleep too. I would want to have someone to comfort me and make things right again. And I am his mother, and yet I didn't do the right thing.

I never thought of all these things at that time. Only when I was alone in the kitchen smoking, all these thoughts came rushing through my head. I had done terribly wrong, and I know words that came out of the mouth can never be taken back again. I did the only thing I could do: to apologise.

And so I crept into my mothers bedroom and hugged her while I apologised. Like she was always since I was young, she told me it was fine, and that she understand. She did not blame me and asked me to go to bed. She was afraid that I would be tired, even after the treatment I gave her. I hugged her one last time and went to my baby. Poor little thing, whimpering in his sleep. I kissed him and apologised too, and promised never to let him down again. I will be there when he needs me, I will never cut him off again.

Fatigue is not an excuse to what I had done. I know. My mother had accepted my apology. I hope that when baby wakes up later crying again, and when I hold him in my arms, he will only remember my love for him. I want him to know only love and happiness. And I am going to work hard to make it real for him.

6:33:00 AM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.