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Monday, December 18, 2006

Baby Kievan is: 1 year, 9 months & 5 days old

Do you see stories in clouds?

I was able to tell stories through them at some point in my life. And without realising, I just stopped staring at the fluffy clouds to see if they tell me anything. Somewhere in between that space of time, did I stopped believing in fairytales? What took away my imagination? Or had I simply grew up?

So I looked up to the heavens and read. I read and read, till I conjured something that doesn't make much sense. But I was happy enough that I could still see something, anything in those soft white clouds. At that moment, I felt like 16 all over again.

"I am healing." I thought to myself, naively, just because I see something in the clouds.

So I looked up to the heavens some days later and started to read again. It wasn't white fluffy clouds, but dark threatening storm clouds. I read and read, and nothing conjured up in my mind. I panicked and wondered what went wrong. Felt like someone had stolen everything away again, right under my eyes.

But it was actually myself, cheating and disappointing my own delusional self. I can never find back that child-like innocence or the kind of simple trust or ingenuousness anymore. I can never laugh and play without feeling a heaviness in my heart too. I haven't felt real happiness for a long time. Who am I now?

And as I walked away, droplets of rain started to fall, my cheeks were wet, but no one will know whether it was the rain or my tears.

11:45:00 PM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.