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Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Anyway, I've been thinking. My friend asked me yesterday why aren't I letting go. She know that lots of nice men are trying to know me better, but I can't accept any of them. I just want to be alone nowadays. I don't need 2 fucking balls to make me feel good.
And so she thought I still wished to be with him. Well... I do miss him and still love him alot. I want to see him, to feel his arms around me, to feel his kiss again.
So, why don't I just go back to him right?
Because I've totally gave up on being with him again. It's just that I'm not forcing myself to stop missing or loving him. I'm still quite happy. Well, at least I think I am. I don't think it's anything wrong. As long as I'm happy, it's fine right? I'm no longer crying or feeling sad that he's not around. In fact, I've only cried twice since the day we broke up. Maybe I've already shed too much tears for him in the past. Even though I feel like crying now, the tears somehow won't fall... It feels like my heart's gonna burst anytime, but the tears just won't obey anymore. Sometimes I wished I could just cry everything out, I might feel even better. But instead, my heart just feels a kind of wrenching aching pain whenever I think about him.
So I'm waiting for the day where I can naturally let go. But I'm not stopping myself from having fun or knowing more people. Life goes on. I just can't stop myself from missing him. I really loved him with all my heart. Maybe to some people, they think that "love" to a 18 year old girl is nothing, but I know myself, and my heart. I truly loved him, I was ready to give up everything for him. There was nothing I couldn't do for him. Even though he crushed my heart to dust and left my heart bleeding, I don't hate him. Or for all the other things he had done.
I want to keep a nice memory of our relationship in my mind. I want to remember that I've loved before. It's not easy to find someone you can truly love...
Okay, I know I may sound very contradicting. But it's hard to explain feelings of the heart with words. All these mixed emotions I'm feeling couldn't be described with alphabets.
I don't know. I really don't know what I want or how I'm really feeling. Maybe I'm just trying to run away from reality? I don't know... I really don't know...
8:04:00 AM
Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'
Faded Memories
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
February 2005
April 2005
June 2005
November 2005
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
March 2010
deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.
sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.
in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.
as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.
i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.
it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.