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Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Tried to sleep. Didn't manage though.

I closed my eyes, and I saw you and me at Sultan. You flashed out your wallet and I caught a glimpse of the picture. You and her. My whole world collasped. But all I said was "Oh" and I smiled at you. You explained to me that your friends put that picture into your wallet and that she isn't your girlfriend. I didn't ask and I don't know why did you bothered to tell me. Your explaination didn't make me feel better, because they're all lies.

You never saw my tears of pain behind my smile. You didn't felt my wrenching heartache.

I remembered how you left me, threw me aside, hurt me so deeply. You had fun with your friends, had fun with her. You forgotten all your promises, forgotten me. The next thing I knew, you wanted me back. Maybe because you knew I loved you so much. You knew that I'll do the best for you and only you. You knew that no matter what, I'm always there for you. But what you didn't know was how I felt for the 73 days when you were not with me. You didn't know how I felt when I was alone on my bed struggling with my emotions, while another girl was sleeping with you.

You never saw my tears of frustration. You didn't felt my anger.

Then I told you I couldn't get to sleep. You held me close to you and stroked my hair. You kissed me and petted me to sleep. The sweetness of your simple actions pinched at my heart. I felt so loved once again. I snuggled closer to you wishing I could stay there forever.

You never saw my tears of joy. You didn't felt my happiness.

That's how contradicting my feelings are. Everyday.

One moment of stabbing pain that leaves me aching, wanting to breakdown and weep, or just let go and die.

Then, suddenly, it's a flash of anger that makes me want to lash out and hit you, scream at you, to make you experience 1/1000 of how I'm feeling.

But before I knew it, you'll be next to me, cajoling me. Hugging me while whispering all the right words into my ears. Making me smile that radiant smile and forget the sadness and anger I felt just a minute ago. I turned and looked into your eyes. I felt nothing but my overpowering love for you. I got lost into you.

Is this normal? Or had I gone crazy? Maybe I need to see a shrink, or get some medications to calm my nerves. Yeah right.

9:48:00 AM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.