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Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Intoxicated By:

Layla Kaylif - Shakespeare In Love
Feeling: Melancholy

You put me down with all your hurting words and I feel myself being pushed deeper and deeper into a dark corner of a room. I need to breathe, and that's when I started to break free. That's when I started talking back to you in a way, that was totally not me.

In fact, I was actually saying things that you are saying and had always said to me all along. Now I had it all thrown back to your face, and I was called "so childish that you can't stand me anymore" by you.

For all those times you hurt me or put me down. I never once told you I can no longer stand you anymore. I don't make you sound like you're a pest that irritates me so much. I don't make you feel that I'm disgusted by you.

But that's the feeling I got when I saw all the words flooding my MSN chat screen. Then I decided to not care about how you feel anymore and I would hurt you on purpose, just like the way you did. I didn't feel good you know. I was never that mean before. I take your feelings, your ego, everything and anything about you, I take it all seriously. I would never play with you the way you did. My feelings, to you, were nothing important. Nothing to be taken into consideration, not even the slightest bit of consideration.

Yes, I am deeply hurt by what you said. But now, I don't break down and cry anymore. My fingers don't tremble when I'm typing all these. I wonder why is it that I've just stopped feeling... What's happening to me? Am I really feeling nothing to all these, or am I just shutting myself away again?

To you, I'm just a bitch, a liar, someone irriatating, someone childish and stupid. But when I reflect on all those things that I've done for you. All those feelings that I gave you. What exactly had I done to deserve to be called those names by you. You, whom I so deeply love that nothing could never be done, if it's for you.

I thought about going to your house, to look for you, to make up with you. But would it be a right thing to do? To continue allowing myself to be your slave, your dog, your whore. You gave me 2 choices earlier on, to go or not to go your house. I was made to choose between this 2 totally impossible choices.

You never made it easy for me, ever. You're practically asking me to either leave you, or to crawl pitifully back to you.

After all these years together? What am I to you, may I ask?

Don't I have anything worthy inside of me to at least gain a little bit of respect for me as a girl? As your girlfriend?

Why had everything I had done for you turn out to be wrong in your eyes in the end? I tried so hard, you may never believe me. But I really did tried so hard to save this relationship. I allowed myself into beliving that we could start afresh. I allowed myself to free those doubts in my mind to be with you wholeheartedly. I allowed myself to be weak and useless. It was all for you baby. It doesn't matter if you don't feel anything about it. But please don't say I didn't try or that I never loved you enough.

I would and could continuing doing more for you. But what's there for me to hold on to now? After all the things we said to each other. After all your confessions about how you felt about me. About what kind of person I am in your heart.

I never asked for you to be like me. All I merely wished was that, you can accept me for who I am. To believe in me. To believe in our love.

Simple as it sounds. It seemed like the most impossible thing ever.

11:11:00 PM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.