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Friday, November 03, 2006

Baby Kievan is: 1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks old

1st issue of the day:

Guilt and remorse. I accidentally burnt baby with my cigarette yesterday. I was smoking and looking at mobile phones with Joey, when baby suddenly ran to me from behind us. My cigarette burnt him somewhere below his neck and a big piece of skin came off, leaving that area red and sore. I felt so bad, I thought I was gonna die on the spot. If I wasn't smoking in the first place, he wouldn't be burnt at all. Yes, I was standing at quite a distance away from him and my maid was looking after him. So I was engrossed with looking at LG's Chocolate. But, it was my cigarette which burnt baby in the end. She explained afterwards that he ran off too quickly towards me, and she couldn't catch him on time. So almost everyone now, including myself, thinks that i'm the most terrible mother on Earth who smokes and burn my son in process. But I guess I deserve to be blamed and reprimanded for that. Sigh.

I totally did not expect baby to come after me. Before I lit up my cigarette, I even took a glance at him and he was playing around the fountain. I've got no slightest idea that he would ran to me at all. I definitely will not hurt him, if I know he's somewhere around me with no one looking after. My heart was aching so badly when I see him crying in pain. I teared and wished that I could take the pain for him, but it wasn't possible, so I could only hold him while he cried and cried. It feels so terrible to just being able to hold him close and not do anything to make him feel better. Honestly, there isn't anything I wouldn't do at that moment if I can just take away his pain. And no, it's not an exaggeration. I feel more than empathy, it's like, I feel whatever that he's feeling. I smile in bliss when I see him laughing in happiness. I hurt when I see him crying in pain. Burning him was like burning myself. My heart is his, my blood is too. I never wanted to hurt him in any ways at all.

I'm so sorry, baby. Mommy is really so sorry, so very extremely sorry.

2nd issue of the day:

My new spectacles. After living 9 years of my life in a misty fog, my new spectacles when worn, actually brings me to another world, where everything is so crystal clear. Vivid images that glare my eyes and make me feel faint and feel like a stranger. It's cool, but weird at the same time. Look out for this nerd. Coming to the virtual world. Soon.

3rd issue of the day:

Halloween. Nothing exceptional about it, was fun but just like any other usual party nights. Was working at MOS for awhile, so decided to just stay there instead of hopping down to Zouk. But apparently, Zouk was freaking happening, so we missed out all the good and real fun. Zhongying came down to look for me with Alvin, but they both left awhile later. So I joined Meiyi and Alan instead. Fortunately, no one got drunk, and I actually met some very nice and friendly people.

Shall not type anymore, am very tired. Here are pictures to bright up the otherwise lengthy and boring entry.

Zhongying in her beautiful pale green fairy costume.

Me and Rykiel in our MOS work costume. I was supposed to have a feather on my head, but they left it out for some reasons. Thank goodness for me!

Me and Rykiel again.

Rykiel and me, in "candlelight" mode. I'm serious about the candlelight thingy, it's an effect from her camera.

Rykiel and me yet again. Obviously, we had nothing better to do. Were waiting for work to start.

The Las Vegas Showgirls. Almost exact words by Clarence, Mr Don't-Wanna-MJ-With-Us Zing.

A jug of Vodka Cranberry. How is it that the 2 other girls can look totally sexy and appealing while drinking, while I look like I'm ready to gulp down the whole thing? People might actually think that I haven't had anything to drink in a year. Look at that gluttony expression, it's worth a million dollars.

Regine the Roman Goddess. Meiyi the Mermaid (in my opinion). And Ingrid the Oh So Common Devil.

Mermaid and Hell's Angel.

PS: Oh yeah, the spiders. Darn spiders. I forgot about the spiders!

12:22:00 AM

Yours Truly
Ingrid
25 years old
Kievan's Mommy
Still Pink Lovin'

deep inside me. a silent whisper in my mind.

sweet surrender to your love divine. peace enfolding.

in the stillness i empty my soul. and your healing presence flows.

as i breathe the air of heaven. drawing in your fragrance when i breathe.

i feel your fullness come alive inside of me. you're the breath that i breathe.

it's taking hold. like a second nature when i savour. savour you. as i breathe.